Thanks to Camille Zieman for this nugget!

 

 

CHICAGO – there’s no place quite like it!

 

Weather
If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.

 

Seasonal Differences in the regions of the USA:
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats.  Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.  Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.  Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.  Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.  Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.  Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.  Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.  Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.  Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
50 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.  Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
60 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.  Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.  Chicago people start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.  The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

Pronunciation
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Road.  Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.  If in Naperville and your map is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete.

 

Driving Habits
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.  Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago.  We all drive like that.

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10.  The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7.   Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

 

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.  When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

 

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

 

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

 

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way.  Period.

 

The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

 

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

 

The Congress Expressway (Ike) is our daily version of NASCAR.

The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."


Directions & Road Construction
All directions start with, "I-94"? which has no beginning and no end.

 

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).


If asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish.  If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.  If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side you better be armed.


Permanent construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.  We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin-O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix.


Miscellaneous

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

 

The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental.

If you go to Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to park in the "Cubs Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run ov
er him.