If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised.
This is the second edition of the “Deep Thoughts Weekly.” My reason for sending this is to help keep communication lines open between family, friends and many of my former co-workers. In addition, it’s hopeful that this correspondence will add a bit of levity to the day.
Busy past week in sports…Italy wins the World Cup, the Bulls pick up Ben Wallace, the Cubs start showing some signs of life, the Sox win a 19-inning marathon but lose the series to Boston…yeah, it’s been quite entertaining. On that subject, today’s additional article of interest is a funny one I borrowed from Foxsports.com. It’s a bit lengthy, but I'm quite certain that just about any sports fan will relate to it. Give it a read when you have some time, and I’ll be back in touch next Monday with a new “Deep Thoughts.” Have a nice week!
FAN LAWS - The new laws of the land
When you watch a fair amount of televised sports you quickly learn that a relatively narrow range of commercials circulate during those programs. And no matter how entertaining they are upon first viewing, eventually you get sick of all of them.
But recently, when Burt Reynolds, Jerome Bettis and a cast of characters representing a wide array of manhood and known as the Men of the Square Table began debating the proper protocol for transporting multiple beers back to the table, it may have been a watershed moment in the history of advertising. That's because Miller Lite's "Man Law" campaign has the potential to run longer than most television shows without losing its edge or running out of material.
And imitation being the sincerest form of flattery -- and imitation being a fancy word for blatantly ripping off someone else's idea -- we've co-opted the concept, with one small change. We bring you … the Fan Laws. Or at least 10 of them -- we're calling them the Bill of You Don't Have the Rights. We'll continue to add to the list as we see fit. And while we have absolutely no ability to enforce these restrictions on fan behavior, we're still hoping over time that they'll be adopted as binding law. Because frankly, some of you out there are annoying the hell out of us. You know who you are.
The Bill of You Don't Have the Rights
1. Fans sitting behind home plate are lucky enough to get a perspective on the game that few fans will ever experience. That should be enough for them. They should not feel the need to call all their friends and wave on-camera for the entire duration of the fourth inning. And if they do feel that need, then someone who's stuck in the nosebleeds should be allowed to take the offending fan's cell phone and stick it somewhere very uncomfortable.
2. About the only thing more passé than shouting "You da man!" in the split second after a golfer tees off is yelling "It's in the hole!" even though the golfer in question is 450 yards away from the green and just sliced his ball into a corporate tent. Both are out … and we're empowering Tiger Woods' caddie Steve Williams to deal with violators in any way he sees fit.
3. If you're old enough to drive yourself to the baseball game, you're too old to bring your mitt in the hopes that a foul ball comes your way.
4. And while we're on the subject of foul balls, if you happen to get yourself a souvenir by picking one off the ground, please don't react like you just backhanded a line drive with your bare hands. You're not a Gold Glover. You're just able to bend over.
5. If you live in one of the four metropolitan areas (New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and the Bay area) that has both an NL and an AL team, you are obligated to pick one as your rooting interest. You may or may not actively pull for the other team to finish dead last in their respective division -- your choice -- but you can't root for both.
6. Another rooting no-no: If the team that knocked yours out of the postseason goes on to win the championship, that in no way, shape or form reflects as well on your team as you think it does. So not only should you not root for the team that eliminated yours, but you should hope that it goes down in manhood-sapping fashion in the very next round.
7. There must be either a geographical (it's your hometown team), familial (it's the team your father rooted for) or educational (it's where you attended college) rationale for your rooting interest. You do not want to be the guy who spent the 1990s pulling for the Yankees, Bulls and Cowboys. No one likes that guy.
8. Wearing your team's jersey is not only permissible, it's encouraged. But wearing your team's jersey with your name stenciled on the back -- like you were the final spring training cut or something -- is neither.
9. Unless we are in your fantasy baseball league/weekly poker game, you may not bore us with endless details about how the sweet deal you made for a backup shortstop will give you the lead in steals or how you got a bad beat on the river. And even if we are in your fantasy baseball league/weekly poker game, we're still really not all that interested.
10. If your body mass index is over 30 (the textbook definition for obesity), you are hereby prohibited from the following activities -- a.) wearing a basketball jersey without a T-shirt underneath it; b.) removing your shirt regardless of how hot it is; c.) sitting next to me at any sporting event.
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